The story of Martie’s experience in dealing with unforgiveness towards her mother in law had the perfect ending. This is not always the case. Bitterness could have taken root so deeply on both sides that it almost seems impossible for reconciliation. Hopelessness and despair, which also lead to depression, can play havoc with the mind.
Control, domination and manipulation are other factors which cause great difficulty in dealing with the issue of unforgiveness. When faced with this kind of opposition the “victim” feels powerless and cannot see a way out. This is a terrible condition to be in.
Now I wish to say this. The Word of God is not a magical formula. It works as a whole. You cannot name it and claim it. By that I mean that there are those who latch on to one of the promises in God’s Word and keep on confessing it in the belief that it is going to produce the desired result. Or, they receive a “word” of prophecy and attempt to build their lives around it. Beware! The word can become and idol. See what the Lord says in Ezekiel 14:1 – 5. This can bring you to destruction in order that you may turn back to God, not His Word only.
Let me give you an example which fits in with our discussion of unforgiveness and bitterness. People get caught up in the teaching on prosperity and hear the preacher saying that you must believe the Word, stand on the Word, confess the Word and it will come to pass. Now there is nothing wrong with that except for one thing; the hearers of that word have not walked the same road as the speaker. He has most probably worked through the issues in his life. He has or is practicing forgiveness. He does not harbour any bitterness in his heart. He does not speak bad about other people and the most important thing; he is walking in God’s love and has a relationship with the Lord. And, all of this is only possible when one is filled with the Holy Spirit and living daily in His presence.
People will confess the scripture in Mark 11:22 – 24 where Jesus said “Have faith in God. I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it and it will be yours.” There are two immediate problems with this type of practice. The first being that they leave out verse 25 where Jesus says “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” This is paramount to having God’s Word produce fruit in your life. You see, without God’s forgiveness of your sins He does not even hear your prayer or confession. Isaiah 59:2 “But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He will not hear.” So unless you forgive others their sin against you God cannot and will not forgive your sin. Stalemate.
The other problem with this confessing, naming and claiming game is this. We need to be asking and believing in accordance with God’s will. 1 John 5:14 – 15 says “This is the confidence we have in approaching God; that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us – whatever we ask – we know that we have what we asked of Him.” Can you see the results of unforgiveness. If we ask of God with unforgiveness in our hearts He does not hear us, and we can claim whatever scriptures we please; it is not going to work. This is not some magical system for getting things from our heavenly Father. We are talking about real life issues here. In James 4:1– 3 the Word says “What causes quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill (hate) and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.” (Self-centered).
As a result of asking incorrectly, many people don’t receive and are then angry with God. How sad? Our Father takes great delight in blessing His children. Why do we play games with Him by trying to manipulate Him with His very own words? The scripture in James says that if we ask according to His will then we know that He hears us and will grant the request. It is God’s will that we forgive? Therefore if we ask Him to help us forgive someone, do you think He will? Sure, it’s His will. But if we are still harbouring bitterness or even hurt in our hearts when we ask then He will not answer. Your request should first be, “Father give me a love for so and so and take away these bad feelings and thoughts.” Matthew 5:48 says we are to love our enemies. It is in God’s will. Let’s move on to our topic of unforgiveness.
We are going to cover two situations that appear as though asking forgiveness just doesn’t work, or we don’t know how to deal with it when:
• the person who hurt us has died.
• the other party refuses to forgive, or says they forgive but do not seek reconciliation.
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Someone who has offended you or whom you have offended has died and you know that you have not made right. What now? Must you continue to live with that guilt feeling? No; there is a way out! The situations are numerous but here are a few examples:
• between spouses who cheated on one another; tolerated but never forgiven, now one has died
• between parents and children; drugs, alcohol, pregnancy, wrong partner choices, divorce
• between business partners
• between bust-up lovers
These issues sometimes go way back into the past but were never dealt with.
Scenario 1
A mother feels remorse over the fact that her daughter has been killed in a car accident. She messed up when she found out that her daughter was pregnant, many years before, and dealt so badly with the issue that she turned her daughter against her. Now the daughter is gone. The mom is burdened with guilt because her pride kept her from humbly seeking forgiveness from her daughter. For “pregnant” read drugs, alcohol, wrong choice of partner or whatever. You get the picture. If only…
Scenario 2.
Every time you see him you boil with anger. He used you. You lived together; shared things; had good times; and then he left you for someone else. You both moved on. Both now happily married with families. But you never forgave; you harbour bitterness; still feel abused. Then you hear that he has died of a heart attack. What now? Maybe you say, “Good riddance.” But that is the bitterness reacting and the dangerous thing is that your feelings could be projected onto your husband. Well He is a Man, and maybe he will cheat on you? You start manipulating and trying to control his life. You become domineering and he begins withdrawing. Your marriage starts crumbling. Remember that all of this happens in the subconscious so chances are that you are not even aware of what is going on. All you see is your happy life going down the tube. You never dealt with the issue of forgiveness and now it has snowballed into a nightmare. I painted this scenario to show how unforgiveness can create further havoc in your life. If only…
Scenario3.
You judged another person for something they had done. Your verdict; guilty! But you never had all the facts. You did not know that they were hurting at the time, and their actions seemed the only logical way out of their predicament. Never the less, you passed judgment. Now they have passed away. The scriptures say, “Do not judge and you will not be judged.” Now you are found guilty, you have been judged. Remember my first article on Unforgiveness? You are harbouring unforgiveness and are trapped in the prison of your mind. If only…
You can write your own scripts and the bottom line will always be unforgiveness, bitterness and the downward spiral into hopelessness and despair.
What can you do? You can go for counsel and take the tablets but deep inside you know that nothing has changed. You still battle against those feelings. The tablets help you to control your feelings but you are still trapped; in bondage to your thoughts and true feelings. This kind of counsel is humanistic and mind to mind, and the tablets only serve to suppress your emotions. No real, lasting solutions with this method.
Neither do traditional Christian counseling methods work. As illustrated above, you can confess the Word until you are blue in the face but nothing changes. By repeating that you have forgiven someone is not going to work because you are attempting to take a short cut and manipulate God into “doing it.” You need to understand that our battle is not against flesh and blood (people) but against spiritual forces that play havoc with the mind and emotions. See Ephesians 6:12 and
2 Corinthians 10:1 – 5.
Dear friend, you need to go to your Heavenly Father and ask Him for a revelation of His love and forgiveness. He will point you to the Cross on which your Saviour died. That Cross is an everlasting symbol of God’s love and forgiveness. God your Father loves you so much that He gave His only Son to die, shed His precious blood and so grant forgiveness for your sin. If you will only come to Him in an attitude of humility to genuinely seek Him, you will find your Heavenly Father waiting with outstretched arms, more than willing to receive you. This is His loving kindness demonstrated towards you.
You may have been told to repent of your sin of unforgiveness but you cannot. Repent means to turn 180 degrees from what you have been doing. Repent comes from two words; “pent” meaning top or pinnacle (penthouse) and “re” meaning to return. Adam and Eve lived on the pinnacle of God’s creation; innocent and guiltless. Then came the fall! Now the Word of God says that all men are to “repent” and return to that place of intimacy with their Creator. But we cannot repent in our own strength. The scripture says that it is God’s loving kindness that leads us to repentance.
God honours His Word and if you approach Him in this way you will be sure to find Him and experience His love. Now you can say words to this effect, “Father, I have sinned against you by not forgiving (name). I repent of that that sin and ask you to forgive me. Give me your love for (name) even though he/she is no longer with us. Help me to rid my mind of all the wrong thoughts and to replace them with good thoughts about (name). I confess that I can not do this in my own strength. I need you Father, and your love.”
Use your own words if you can. Don’t worry about perfect grammar. You don’t have to use any special “religious” language or terms. God is listening to your heart because that is where the issue lies. If you find yourself crying uncontrollably, don’t try to control it. Just let it flow because that is the Holy Spirit doing a cleansing work deep inside your being. Allow Him to finish this powerful work in you. Continue praying when you can. This process can take a while; do not be in a hurry. Hopefully you will be in a quiet place alone where you will not be disturbed.
Should you be disturbed, say by a crying baby, just maintain a quiet inner peace and continue talking to your Father and tend to your infant’s needs. Maybe just thank Him for what He is doing in you and express your love for Him. Do you know that you can talk to your Father from your heart, your spirit, no matter what you are doing? It is similar to the way in which you talk to yourself, only now you are not talking to your mind, you are talking to God!
If you are able to draw aside and find a quiet place to be alone and continue talking to your Father, you are in for a wonderful surprise. YOU WILL BEGIN TO HEAR HIM ANSWER YOU. Yes my friend your Heavenly Father seeks a relationship with you, and a relationship is a two way thing. All you need to do is talk to Him for a while and then be quiet. This is the difficult part because our minds are so busy. Get the car fixed, what to make for supper, return those missed phone calls; a hundred things flood your mind. Don’t fight it. Just keep focusing on your Father.
You will hear His beautiful words of love for you and His forgiveness. He will encourage you like no other person can. He really loves you. Forget about what you have been taught about this “god” waiting to punish you for your sins. That is utter twaddle. Your Father is first of all a God of love. God is Love. There is no punishment in this life; consequences yes; we all pay the price for disobedience. But with His forgiveness comes His mercy and His grace. GLORY! Once He has forgiven you He forgets your sin. Now He wants you to experience His Love for you. He desires to show you His will for your life. Embrace Him, thank Him, love Him and revel in His beautiful presence!
Let’s move on to that issue of unforgiveness. The person who caused the offence is gone and you are left with the consequences of that unforgiveness; bitterness, guilt and despair. You cannot change what happened but you can allow the Lord to change your heart; and He will.
I think that is enough for one article and so I will deal with the other two issues in subsequent articles. Please do not hesitate to contact me should you feel that you need more counsel. My desire is to see people made whole by the healing power of God’s infallible Word in the power of the Holy Spirit.
With much love,
Jack Viljoen
http://thechurchinthefathersheart.info
http://jackviljoensmessagebook.blogspot.com
